Thursday, January 16, 2014

Pregnancy After Loss

Today, I just want to touch on something I read about yesterday.

http://doublerainbowtwins.blogspot.com/2012/11/pgal-pregnancy-after-miscarriage.html

This is the original post that I found by googling blogs about multiples and reading it brought back so much and also opened my eyes to some things I think I was hiding from myself.

Last year I lost two babies, one in April and one in June. Before April, I never knew the statistics of miscarriage. 1 in 4 pregnancies result in a miscarriage. That is such a high and shocking number! To know there are that many women out there that feel the same pain I felt and still feel every day. She also said there are different ways women handle TTC (trying to conceive) after a miscarriage. Some women will need time to heal and mourn before trying again. Then there are women like me, who start trying again right away. (Even against doctor's orders.) In some ways, I wish I would have fallen into the first category. Although I did mourn and still do, I don't think I ever came to full grips of the situation. There's no sense in looking at it like that though, because I can't go back and change how I handled the situation. But there are several things that are so different from this pregnancy than with my first.

First, I don't look forward to going to the doctor for the same reason. With the first, it was excitement..oh what are they going to tell me new about the baby. Now, I only look forward to them to make sure my babies are ok. My ultrasound tech has even learned as soon as we start to tell me there are three heartbeats. That way I can start to enjoy seeing my babies. With multiples, I think it raises the terror for me. I was high risk before we knew there were three.

Next, every ache and pain is a cause for concern. The first time, I never worried about these things because they were part of being pregnant. Now every little cramp, stretch or kick sends me to the doctor. I have been to 3...yes 3 unplanned US because of one thing or another. One time I ALMOST fell and thought I was cramping more than I should. The other, I passed out at work when my blood pressure fell and rushed to the ER. The third time, I was just uncomfortable and wanted to go. I'm pretty sure the nurses at my doctor's office watch for my number to come across the phone at least every week for some sort of freak out call from the triplet mom!

One of the most important differences, at least to me, between this pregnancy and last is that I can't enjoy it. I don't plan anything for the future. Even buying baby stuff scares me because in the back of my mind I keep thinking, "And what if we don't need any of this." Actually just talking about this point makes me emotional...pregnancy is meant to be enjoyed. Your body is performing a miracle, the miracle, of life. Mine is just doing 3-in-1. And this is what I've wanted for so long. But I can't enjoy it. I can't let go of the worry long enough to enjoy what I'm going through and it's sad. I keep telling myself if we make it to this number of weeks, everything will be ok and I will be able to relax. I know that isn't true it is just something I tell myself to feel normal.

Being pregnant also brings to my attention all the women out there that are still struggle TTC. My heart breaks for them. I have been there, I know your pain. I also know you hidden hatred for pregnant women. Having struggled with infertility and dealt with losses, I know it all too well. I know the thoughts and the comments and I feel so bad. I know women who will secretly say why does she get 3 and I get none. I've had those same thoughts. I know I can't look at it that way and I want to be an inspiration to women. YES it is possible. I know when you are in the struggle you don't believe it but I am slowly reaching the other end of the struggle. I look back at where I was only 16 weeks ago, praying for that plus sign, hoping I didn't have to do another round of fertility drugs! And then when the plus sign comes, then your world fills with doubt and horror. But I know if we make it to the end, it will all be worth it. All of the tears, the loss, the heart breaking agony! When I get to hold my sweet babies.

I count down the days, keep track of it on the calendar and know that every day we get through is another day closer to the goal! Appointments mean so much to me....and I know I am so lucky to get so many. Some women only get to see their babies once before giving birth and I just couldn't imagine that! Every day gets a little better, never easier, but better. And none of this would be possible without the love of my life beside me, holding my hand, and being the optimistic one. He calms me when I become....irrational!

There is HOPE...just don't give up. You never know when you will get your rainbow babies!

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